398. I’ll Tell You a Secret

January 6, 2015

One thing stands out in my mind. I am on the right track. I can feel the energy pulsing through me without opposition or resistance. I am onto something big: the workings of my mind as the muse of my fingers at my computer. No ifs, ands, or buts. I am on a roll. After more than eighty years of wandering, I am getting close to my final destination.

I know that because I am living that destination in my actions. This is the payoff of my being a wayfarer. Of following my own path. Of being myself to the hilt. My bones, tendons, and muscles are fully coordinated with the traffic through the pathways in my mind, in turn coordinated with my sensory experience in living the life that I have made for myself.

It is all coming together in this particular engagement, the one, without realizing it, I have been aiming at all these years. It is here in these posts to my blog.

Imagine: the realization of a lifetime. I’ve never had that thought before. I wasn’t ready. But now I am. Because I have spent the last thirty years preparing for this instant. I have deliberately taken step after step in pursuit of this moment. Wary game, indeed. So wary as to be unimaginable because I couldn’t picture the form it would take. I had to live that form in my own mind to discover how it works.

Now I have it. Memory of past thoughts prepares the way so that my learning has been cumulative, even though I didn’t know it. My doings are now adding up. Step after step, wrong turn after wrong turn.

Now I am here, deep in my own thoughts about the very essence of thinking and doing. Clicking fingers taking dictation from a mind shaped over the years by its ongoing engagements, a mind that has arrived, so these fingers, too, have arrived. Or are engaged in the process of arriving, which earlier seemed without end.

Once, I was setting out, wandering, exploring. Now I see where I was heading all along. The route may include detours and setbacks, but the destination is fixed. Like a labyrinth, so that at the next-to-last moment you are as far as ever from your goal—then suddenly you’re there!

I’ll tell you a secret. One that’s been a secret to me until just now, these last few steps. I love being me. I love the journey I’ve taken. I love the frustration of not understanding what’s right in front of me. Of getting lost and confused. Of waking up and following the lead of my own nighttime dreams into my own daytime thoughts. The two are intimately connected. The dreamer and the waker are the same person. The trick is to realize the difference. One can’t act; the other can.

The ability to follow thought with action makes all the difference. That’s what makes each of us so powerful. The ability to follow our dreams with actions having a similar drift. To accept our dreaming self as our guide on our journey within our own mind. As a comrade following the same path we are on. That is the key: to accept our minds as whole and concerted, even when they seem rent by confusion.

 

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One Response to “398. I’ll Tell You a Secret”

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